In the past, people have often labelled me as being “so smart,” “cerebrally intimidating,” and “brainy.” I often quote them too, because my self-esteem needs it. But the genius that was Liam Maguren now seems like a social façade when compared to a true mega-mind like Adam Sandler.
Sandler’s astonishing intellect didn’t become apparent to me until I reviewed Grown Ups 2. The humour is horrible, lazily put together, performed with little enthusiasm and smothered with so much off-putting Sandler-isms that I found myself shoving tampons in my bleeding ears. And yet, it went on to beat Pacific Rim, which opened on the same week, in the American Box Office on its first week, grossing more than $200 million USD worldwide (and counting). You could have bought David Spade for that much if Sandler didn’t already buy him at Spade’s own garage sale.
How could such a load of shit make a shit-load of money? I needed to investigate this phenomenon.
Using the power of maths, I tallied together some basic data from all of Adam Sandler’s starring role films. First, I got a rough estimate of the profit a film made by subtracting its budget from the global gross (taken from Box Office Mojo).
Global gross – budget = profit (rough estimate)
Second, I took the Metacritic score of each film and got Rachel to multiply it by its respective Rotten Tomato score.
Metascore / 100 x Rotten Tomato Score = Rough critical score
Then, I broke them all down into a rugged percentage to make the comparison easier to plot on a graph before finally making a line graph.
Now in a fantasy world where audiences listened to movie critics all the time, we would see the profit line (blue) match perfectly to the critical score (red). In this hypothetical universe, a great movie (like Punch-Drunk Love) would turn over a great profit while Jack and Jill would be in audit.
But we don’t live in fantasy world; we live in reality land, and here’s how the reality land Excel line graph depicts the actual statistics of Adam Sandler’s career:
It’s all over the place, and more often than not, the profit negatively correlates with the critical reception. Thus, if this trend were to continue, it would make financial sense for Sandler to make even more terrible films in order to gross more profit.
Sandler has tried time and time again to make a career off of his dramatic abilities with critical darlings like the aforementioned Punch-Drunk Love, Reign Over Me and Funny People, but they had trouble turning a profit. However, the certifiably rotten Jack and Jill and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry nailed nine-figure profits. Grown Ups 2 takes full advantage of this potential trend, and if this film is intentionally abysmal, it makes Sandler one of the smartest business men in Hollywood.
The formula’s not perfect yet, however. That’s My Boy was critically convicted as being horrible AND didn’t turn over a profit while last year’s Hotel Transylvania was (generally) admired and was one of the highest grossing movies of last year (unlike Sandler’s previous attempt to be a cartoon character in Eight Crazy Nights, which was a total flop).
But do not underestimate Sandler’s smarts – he saw the anomalies and applied them to Grown Ups 2. Thanks to That’s My Boy, Grown Ups 2 is free of rape jokes and most of Andy Samberg’s face (who only gets five confusing seconds of screen time). And thanks to the profitable Jack and Jill and You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, we see even more of Nick Swardson embarrassing himself.
And here’s the real kicker: Just Go with It, Jack and Jill and Grown Ups 2 had budgets of approximately $80 million USD. Where does that money go in these seemingly cheap comedies? A bunch of it goes into actor salaries while the rest of it goes into them having a good time while filming some jokes along the way.
Just Go with It took a note from Couples Retreat and had a large portion of the film set in Hawaii, essentially taking a vacation WHILE at work. A huge segment of Jack and Jill takes place on A FREAKIN’ CRUISE SHIP! We may not see anything as overtly touristic in Grown Ups 2, but I suspect a lot of luxury things got cut from the final film, like most of the dude-wash scene at the end of this trailer:
Okay, maybe having your car window man-bummed is a counter-intuitive example of the word ‘luxury’, but I have to wonder what else the actors did whilst ‘filming’ that got cut. This poster suggests they went on a roller-coaster, even though this is never seen in the final cut.
My guess is that they did a week-long shoot having fun in Knott’s Berry Farm, showed it to the producers who made this poster, and then omitted the footage from the final edit. And then there’s this poster:
Granted, we do see David Spade in a giant tyre at one point, but we never see the other three racing, which leads me to believe that they had a few nights out at their local go-kart rink and omitted that footage too.
With a massive budget to play around with, Adam Sandler can essentially take his buddies out for a couple of months to do whatever the shit they want. All they have to do is film a joke once every so often – doesn’t matter if it’s actually funny or strung together by a coherent plot. The more time they spend pissing around, the lazier their filmmaking becomes, resulting in terrible films that make him tonnes of cash money. As a movie-making formula, it’s genius.
The maths is so airtight that I think I can predict the premise of his next film based solely on his financial successes:
Adam Sandler plays Neil, a middle-class father of two [1] happily married to Paulette (Gwyneth Paltrow [2]). She is the only living heir to her very wealthy great uncle Boris (Robert DeNiro [3]), who is on his death bed. Paulette is set to inherit millions. However, Boris is hilariously Russian [4], carries old-school communist values [5] and does not take too kindly to Paulette’s American husband [6] or the country he comes from. With the help of his buddy Hank (Kevin James [7]) and his autistic brother with irritable bowel syndrome (Nick Swardson [8]), Neil takes Boris on a tour of the U.S. [9] to help open his eyes, and his wallet. Eventually, through their love of Culture Club and timely Taxi Driver references, they realise that family comes first.
[1] Sandler needs to be a father figure and learn family values (Big Daddy, Bedtime Stories, Grown Ups 2)
[2] Sandler needs to be married to a popular actress his age who is way too hot for him (Just Go with It, Click, Grown Ups 2)
[3] Sandler needs to suck the respect out of a once respectable actor (Anger Management, Jack and Jill, Grown Ups 2)
[4] Cultural stereotypes are hilarious (You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, Jack and Jill, Grown Ups 2)
[5] Sandler needs to stay contemporary and relevant by mocking seemingly outdated social ideals (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, Grown Ups 2)
[6] Battle of the Ages is an essential theme (Big Daddy, Anger Management, Grown Ups 2)
[7] Kevin James is his budget-breaking buddy (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Hotel Transylvania, Grown Ups 2)
[8] Swardson needs to be embarrassing and/or slightly/overtly offensive (You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, Jack and Jill, Grown Ups 2)
[9] Sandler needs a very broad reason to spend the filmmaking budget (Just Go with It, Jack and Jill, Grown Ups 2)
Sandler, you are totally welcome to use this idea for your next film, though I’m sure you’ve already worked it out yourself.
I can see only one person breaking the Sandler formula: Drew Barrymore. She appears alongside Adam Sandler in both The Wedding Singer and 50 First Dates, movies that manage to mix effective comedy and genuine heart. They have another romantic comedy coming out next year called The Familymoon, where they play single parents who go on a terrible blind date. But when they find themselves stuck together at a resort (number [9], I know), they start to form a surprising bond.
If the critical reception for this one ends up being in line with Sandler and Barrymore’s previous films, I would implore you to give up your cash to watch it. It’s the only way to break the formula and to get the genius that is Adam Sandler back on track to making good movies again. Numbers never lie.
