Last night, the Black Caps ended a superb World Cup performance by losing the final to Australia. As if that mouthful of suck salad wasn’t hard enough for our country to chew, half of New Zealand is probably hungover today from sorrow-drowning while the other half is still pissed that a cricket game delayed X Factor. And it’s also a Monday, so we all lose.
Fortunately, we’re here to help you out of this funk in a way that only we can: by recommending some films that will bring light to an otherwise dark day across the nation.
Cool Runnings
The film: Disney’s feel-good true-story about the first Jamaican bobsled team, competing at the 1998 Winter Olympics in Canada.
How it will ease the pain: The film ends in the same fashion as the Black Caps’ World Cup run: our heroes hurtle supremely down the track only to collapse near the end, falling short of championship glory. Valiantly, they complete the game with their heads held high and a painful trudge towards the finish line – a quality in last night’s game that deserves a Kiwi hand over a Kiwi heart. The only metaphorical difference between our nation’s cricket squad and the Jamaican bobsled team is that the Black Caps aren’t made up of blatantly outdated cultural stereotypes.
300
The film: A big, violent war epic revolving around the 480 B.C. Battle of Thermopylae, where the King of Sparta led his army of 300 against the advancing Persians.
How it will ease the pain: The Spartans lose, but that’s not the point of the story. Rather, it’s a display of warriors making the most of their strength and strategic know-how to get as far as they can on less-than-ideal odds. While the Black Caps may lack significantly in bloodlust and body oil, their journey runs parallel to those Spartans who faced a sledging Persian douche knuckle, making the loss feel more like the epilogue to a great tale. Plus, it gives you an excuse to picture Grant Elliot kicking Brad Haddin into the Spartan hole (you’re welcome).
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
The film: Taking the mickey out of underdog sports movies, this 2004 comedy stars Vince Vaughn (the good guy) and Ben Stiller (the egotistical jerk) as rivals in competing fitness gyms that duke it out in a Las Vegas dodgeball tournament.
How it will ease the pain: According to Stephen Hawking, there is an alternate universe where the Black Caps won the finale in the exact same way that Vince Vaughn’s Average Joes did. That means Brendon McCullum hit the winning ball and made out with two chicks simultaneously while Michael Clarke became as morbidly obese as his ego. Chuck Norris was also the third umpire.
Crocodile Dundee II
The film: Paul Hogan’s follow-up to the surprise smash-hit original. Here, an evil drug baron kidnaps Dundee’s New York girl and our hero must head back home to Australia to save her.
How it will ease the pain: If you prefer a pettier way to feel better about the loss, you could always laugh at a really shit Australian film. This is that film.
The Road
The film: Post-apocalyptic, Cormac McCarthy adaptation about an unnamed man and his son travelling across an ash-covered American landscape.
How it will ease the pain: In this dilapidated world, hope is but a flickering candle in a dark, gusty cave. Human life has decayed into a cesspool of depression and desperation where death and cannibalism is the norm. As we follow the futile existence of a father and son through the ashes of a former civilisation, you’ll quickly forget about that one time New Zealand didn’t win the 2015 Cricket World Cup.
