G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Lame times seventeen or so

Famous Nobody (?)

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Let's begin with the fanboy review:

Lame. Lame, lame, lame.

(I'd say SPOILER ALERT, but who cares)

Snakeyes (who everyone thought could save the movie) ... lame.

Snakeye's stupid-ass molded mask ... lame.

Snakeyes vs. Stormshadow in what should have been some awesome fight scenes ... lame.

Little kid Snakeyes vs. little kid Stormshadow ... lame. And cliche.

And maybe stereotypically racist?

Snakeyes and his "vow of silence" ... lame.

The Baroness with no accent ... lame.

The Baroness' transition glasses ... lame.

The Baroness as Duke's girlfriend ... lame.

Zartan ... lame. And underused.

Zartan being in the movie for all of three minutes while being one of its most critical plot points ... lame.

Accelerator suits ... lame.

Nanomites ... lame (though not completely un-GI Joe like).

Destro without his metal face ... lame.

Destro WITH his metal face ... lame.

"The Doctor" aka Cobra Commander ... surprisingly not lame. They got the voice down, though I don't know why they needed to deviate from the classic shiny silver face mask. Or the cowl.

"The Doctor" and Duke being besties from way back ... lame.

Marlon Waylons ... surprisingly not lame.

Brendan Fraser's cameo ... lame.

I won't even get into the whole "international force" deal, because it wouldn't have bothered me if the rest of the movie wasn't so ... lame.

Now, putting aside the hundred-some comics and closet full of toys, here's a more impartial review:

GI Joe wasn't unwatchable, in the way "Spiderman 3" or "Spawn" or "Street Fighter" (with Jean Claude) were unwatchable. It was generic, sure. And it wasn't the GI Joe movie I would make (or want to see made), but for those without years of emotional attachment to the characters, it's a run-of-the-mill action movie that totally connects with little boys.

Yes, it was full of over-loaded action scenes that make it impossible to really tell what's happening. And yes, instead of coming away awed, you leave a little overwhelmed. But that's what's popular these days. No, there wasn't any real character development, and what was seemed trite and silly. But it's GI Joe, not Shakespeare.

Think like a 8-year-old boy and you'll be fine.