Look, this is not a clever movie. Geostorm paints a future where we lose control of our climate-controlling satellites because someone HACKS THE WEATHER and causes un-natural disasters. Gerard Butler, the most Scottish of American heroes, plays the satellites’ creator and the one space scientist who could possibly fix this mess because, I guess, he never taught anyone else how to. That’s just the tip of this polar dunce cap, but if you’re the kind of person who hunts for a “good bad movie” then beer yourself up because this is the most entertaining two-star film of 2017.
The first 80 minutes set up the ludicrous plot with a slab of American politicking, a blatantly obvious whodunnit mystery, and clichéd brotherly angst between Butler and Jim “Sweaty Head” Sturgess. Abbie Cornish does her best T-1000 impression as a Secret Service Agent to President Andy García while Zazie Beetz, playing it appropriately loose and fun, seems to be the only one who got the memo on how silly this premise is.
It would be a dull way to get to the action if it wasn’t for all the stupendously stupid stuff sprinkled throughout: a person introducing their name despite wearing a name badge, Butler mansplaining satellites to the chief satellite commander, the fact that they have handguns in this goddamn space station. To the film’s credit, it doesn’t make America the sole saviour and emphasises how the world needs to cooperate to protect Earth – it’s as if Captain Planet wrote a Michael Bay disaster flick.
Everything leads to a climax that pulls the ripcord on all seriousness with hail boulders and desert tsunamis. The CGI work wobbles all over the place, often reaching for Gravity quality as it dips its toes in Sharknado juice, but remains originally bonkers. When the film introduces a literal ‘Countdown to GEOSTORM’, it hits peak dumb in the best way possible.