Having paid witness to the latest instalment of The Fast and/or Furious franchise, two things blew my mind:
1) The film itself, which you should see immediately if you like cars, explosions, exploding cars and shiny things dangling in front of you
2) The revelation that I wasn’t just watching Furious 6, I was also watching The Avengers Phase One and Two
A few people have had their fun comparing the vehicular action movie to last year’s ensemble superhero flick, but they’re oblivious to the real conspiracy. This shit goes deeper than a hooker’s throat, and I’m about to make you gag on some hard knowledge. And if you think I’m merely going to point out how Dwayne Johnson was referred to as both Captain America and the Samoan Thor, then you don’t know the tenth of it.
Because I’m sensitive to the needs of the many who haven’t seen Furious 6, I’ve split this dissection into two parts: a spoiler-free section and a spoiler-filled section*. I’m just going to assume that you’ve all seen The Avengers. Because, c’mon, you have.
*not that knowing the plot twist will completely ruin the film for you
Spoiler-free section
Firstly, the characters in Furious 6 easily mirror the most significant qualities of The Avengers.
Let’s start with Hobbs, Dwayne Johnson’s character. He’s the enforcer who’s not averse to ‘bending’ the law in order to get results, delivering a seismic ass-kicking during something vaguely resembling an interrogation within the opening five minutes of the film. Discovering the threat that he’s up against, he needs to gather a team of ‘the world’s best’ in order to eliminate it. This means…
Hobbs also has a partner, played by Gina Carano, whose hotness is matched by her ability to break you in two. This would mean…
Getting into the top-tier superheroes, Captain America is the pretty-boy goody-two-shoes white dude that’s likeable enough. However, he’s never anyone’s favourite character. Sure, he does some badass things from time to time, but for the most part, he’s kind of just there in the background. In Furious 6, that person is Paul Walker’s generically-named Brian. So…
Point of note: Brian also used to carry a shield.
So what does that make his bro-from-another-ho Dom (Vin Diesel)? Well, Dom is a massive load of man muscle, he can make a woman weak in the knees just by looking at them, he has the most demanding voice in the world and he’s generally just better than everyone else. This means…
Family is also a big thing with Dom, and like the relationship between Thor and his adopted brother, he’s is trying to convert a loved one back to the side of righteousness, that person being Letty (Michelle Rodriguez).
Then you’ve got Iron Man, played by two dudes in Furious 6. First you’ve got Roman (Tyrese Gibson), the money-raining playboy whose main job is to crack jokes as the central comic relief. That covers one half of Tony Stark. The other half, the engineering genius, is represented by tech-guru Tej (Ludacris), who is known to give to the poor, securing the philanthropist side of Stark as well. From this, we can conclude the following…
So where’s The Hulk? Where’s the true star of the film? Where’s that goliath that crashes through buildings, who’s not in control of himself and has absolutely zero prowess for reasonable and rational thought? Simple…
The Hulk isn’t so much a character as he is a reason for spectacle in The Avenger, as are the vehicles in Furious 6. Both are also necessary to the existence of their respective franchises; you can’t have an Avengers film without The Hulk (which is why Mark Ruffalo’s signed for another 129 Marvel films) and you can’t have a Fast and Furious movie without the vehicles. And just like the brooding green giant, the cars are very prone to going completely off the rails (usually followed by corkscrew-flipping, glass-shattering and/or side-tumbling), posing a massive risk to whomever uses them.
With the higher-order out of the way, we’re left with Black Widow and Hawk Eye, the foreigner with the hot accent and the sly dude with a very obscure talent. Naturally, their doppelgängers are Giselle, played by 2004’s Miss Israel, and Han, the dude from Tokyo who one major skill is… drifting.
That only leaves our antagonist, and it should be obvious who Furious 6’s Loki is…
Luke Evans plays lead baddie Shaw – criminal mastermind, overt elitist and all-round douchebag, just like Loki. However, their ‘bad guy’ status isn’t the only thing the two share. Shaw’s idea of leadership is to assert dominance over those who work for him – just like Loki. If they do not achieve the tasks he’s assigned them, he deems them weak and disposable – just like Loki. Shaw also has a thing for monologues, anecdotes and theatrical enunciation – just like Loki.
But most importantly, he has a dastardly British accent – Just. Like. Loki.
Additionally, most of these characters are direct cardboard cut-outs from other characters played by the same actors in different movies and franchises.
It’s worth mentioning that in between Fast and Furious 6 and 7, we’ll be getting a new Riddick, The Raid 2, potentially G.I. Joe 3, Gina Carano’s In the Blood and Paul Walker in Paul Walker as Paul Walker.
So there you have it. All the characters in Furious 6 are really The Avengers. That’s it, right? That’s all the comparisons we can make?
Fool! This shit goes even further, and in order for me to take you into the rabbit’s den, we’ll have to dive into Furious 6 spoiler territory. Here’s part two:
Spoiler Filled Section
I’m going to continue my Loki roll-on by pointing out a pivotal plot turn in The Avengers, the one where the adopted cry-baby allows himself to get captured. Shaw does the exact same thing, a tactic that bleeds into his masterful plan (one that involves an army cargo plane and a 73km runway). This kind of twist acts as the narrative beat that transitions into the climax for both films.
Both villains also ‘brainwash’ one of the heroes from Team Good Guys to have them fight for Team Bad Guyz (the ‘z’ gives them attitude) – Loki controlled Hawkeye using his magical staff thingy while Shaw controlled Letty using sneaky bastard words on her fragile, amnesiac mind.
Also, Letty isn’t the only one to miraculously emerge from the dead.
“Hold on,” you say. “If Dom is Thor, and if Thor was trying to convert Loki back to Team Good Guys, wouldn’t that make Letty Loki?”
As long as the premise and the elements for these subplots still exist, it doesn’t matter what characters they are attached to. It still works in the formula the two movies share, and that gives me means to assume that Justin Lin and Disney are in cahoots with the FBI, the government and Inland Revenue.
This formula is also reliant on a McGuffin, a plot device that is crucial to pushing the story forward, but is likely something you don’t give much of a shit – if you’re even aware of its existence. In The Avengers, this was clearly The Tesseract, an otherworldly energy source of immense power that could… do… shiny… cube… things.
In Furious 6, Shaw was after a bazillion dollar computer chip. Had he gotten his hands on it, he would have had more power than an army of tanks. With that chip, he could hack the internet, the world and your life. Well, that’s what I’d assume a bazillion dollar computer chip could do. I only know that it’s more powerful than my 32mb USB that I still carry around like a sad floppy disk.
The only difference between these two McGuffins is that we actually got to see The Avengers put their one to use. Releasing a giant flying alien worm thing onto New York City is a pretty good display of the Tesseract’s power. But don’t count out Furious 6, for they had their equivalent to an unstoppable menacing beast: a freakin’ tank! Really, they’re no different. And you know what stops each of those things dead in their tracks?
The Hulk and a car! Full circle!
Once the final battle is over and Team Good Guys have won, how do they end both movies? By eating!
Wait, no, sorry, they actually end it by presenting an ‘overlord’ villain who we’ll see in the next instalment…
Do you see it now?
Do you see how eerily similar Furious 6 is to The Avengers? There’s a devious plot afoot in Hollywood, and this formula is a sign. ‘Phase 1’, ‘Phase 2’, ‘All Roads Lead to This’, it’s all pointing to something that not even the Mayans could predict. But I recognise it, and I’ll be on the street curb with my sandwich board, preaching the message and spreading the word!
In fact, I reckon I can use that film to depict certain plot points, twists and turns that will occur in The Avengers Phase Two. Are you ready for this?
Firstly, we can assume via the post-credit sequence in Furious 6 that the next film will take place partly or mostly in Tokyo, the place where the third movie was set. In all likelihood, The Avengers 2 will send our heroes to a familiar location as well, one we have already seen from one of the prior films. This will either be Thor’s Asgard or, more likely, one of the universes we visit in the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy.
Secondly, Hobbs’ partner (Gina Carano) betrays him, revealing that she’s been working for Shaw the entire time (which doesn’t really make a lot of sense, but whatevs). A similar distortion is going to occur between Nick Fury and his wing-woman Maria Hill. It might not be a black-and-white betrayal, but it will be an act that will have him questioning her loyalty, or have her questioning his.
Lastly, Whedon’s going to kill off someone you love. He’s done this before in Serenity, and he won’t be afraid to do it again. Disney would cleaver him if he tried to axe one of the top-tier heroes, so don’t count on that. The most vivid clue is this: Furious 6 killed off Giselle (maybe? probably?), which would mean either Black Widow or Hawkeye is going to die. If I had to put my money on one, I’d say Hawkeye’s going to go (otherwise it’s going to be even more of a superhero sausage-fest).
Do you think I’m crazy, or do you see the method to my madness? I have to let the people of High St. know!
