’Tis the season for incredibly corny Christmas flicks and there’s a generous number of them streaming on Neon. Like a kid shaking his presents under the tree, Liam Maguren excitedly previews a select few from the giant line-up.
Christmas in Aotearoa typically consists of summer days, outdoor BBQing, and frying our stuffed bodies on the beach. It’s great. The other side of the planet spends their tidings trapped inside while trying to convince their loved ones to brave the snowy tundra and join them for a pre-cooked supermarket turkey and whatever the hell eggnog is.
Perhaps that’s part of why we love the absurdity of cheese-drizzled Hollywood Christmas flicks here in New Zealand. The idea of a magical rotund fellow flying on forest pests doesn’t seem anywhere near as silly as two traditionally pretty people falling gooey in love during an icy, consumerist dystopia.
As per the occasion, watching rubbish Christmas flicks has become a corny but comforting tradition for many. Like wearing the silly paper hat from the Christmas cracker. Or getting roped into playing charades with the kids / your tipsy Aunty Linda. It’s the one time of the year we fully embrace such corniness.
Fortunately, Neon’s got a whole spread of Christmas flicks to gorge on. Covering a variety of flavours, here’s a small selection of what’s on offer.
Holiday Harmony
The dreams-do-come-true Christmas movie
An aspiring singer-songwriter has landed an opportunity to make it big, only to be left stranded at Harmony Springs (get it?). To make things worse, there’s a man in her general direction being distractingly handsome as well as a school full of children in desperate need of inspiration.
A Christmas Story Christmas
The Christmas movie sequel
The 1983 classic A Christmas Story finally has a Christmas, if the title of this sequel is to be believed. Almost four decades on, A Christmas Story Christmas follows middle-aged Ralphie attempting (badly) to recreate an unforgettable Christmas experience. That might be true of the film itself, though it looks leagues above the 2012 sequel A Christmas Story 2.
A Christmas Mystery
The cheesy Christmas movie for the whole family
You could say any of these films are appropriate for the whole family, given they’re all very childish, but this one actually features children in prominent roles. When a strip of Santa’s magical jingle bells disappears in a small town, a group of intrepid kids try to solve the case and restore the Christmas magic. Will they make it to the North Pole and get a ride back from Santa’s sleigh? The film’s budget suggests no.
Last Train to Christmas
The high concept, higher wig count Christmas movie
In an admirable display of not giving a shit, Michael Sheen (Good Omens) raids a high-school costume department for this train-and-time-travelling Christmas flick. Sheen plays a celebrity who somehow travels to different eras whenever he switches carriages and, as the trailer shows, the results are a sight to behold.
The Bitch Who Stole Christmas
The look-how-far-they’ve-come celebrity Christmas movie
RuPaul and the world of drag have been making the planet a more beautiful place with audiences unable to get enough of RuPaul’s Drag Race and the countless spin-off series. It’s only natural RuPaul leads a corny Christmas film as a workaholic big-city fashion journalist sent to a town obsessed with the occasion.
A Christmas Number One
The look-how-far-they’ve-fallen celebrity Christmas movie
While some Christmas flicks cement a celeb’s status, others add cement to the shoes of actors’ careers. Remember Iwan Rheon’s terrific turn in Game of Thrones? Or Freida Pinto in Best Picture winner Slumdog Millionaire? Well, now they’re doing their unfortunate best in a story about a music manager and a musician in a metal band trying to make a hit song for Christmas.
Gingerbread Miracle
The Hallmark Channel Christmas movie
We’re getting deep into the fondue now. If you don’t know, the Hallmark Cards company also makes movies, playing exactly like an adaptation of their syrupy two-sentence cards. Gingerbread Miracle continues to do their legacy proud with its stilted dialogue, glorious half-acting, painfully awkward editing, do-nothing direction, and daytime television lighting. Treat yourself to this scene from the movie.
A Hollywood Christmas
The Christmas-movie-within-a-Christmas-movie movie
There are so many corny Christmas flicks out there, it was only a matter of time before we got a meta take on the genre. The film follows a young filmmaker shooting a corny Christmas movie who, upon the appearance of a handsome fella on set, realises she’s also stuck in one.
Santa Camp
The Christmas doco that may actually add value to your life
And now for something of actual substance to round this list off. This HBO documentary follows one season of an annual camp where hordes of professional Santas congregate to learn the trade of being jolly. This year sees them expand from the “traditional” by training Black, trans and neurologically diverse Santas.
